The Crazed Heiffer

DISCLAIMER: This drinking game could potentially damage your Life Force!

Seriously though, The Knightmare Drinking Game is a work of satire. We do not promote excessive binge drinking or underage drinking. The game can be played with any kind of beverage, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, and Temporal Discussion nor any of our affiliates will assume any liability for any injury, loss, accident, medical expense, or any other damage that may occur as a result of playing. Please drink responsibly and make sure you have safe and sober transportation if required. Realising you have a problem with alcohol is a big step towards getting help. If you think you might have a problem you can find support groups in your area through the NHS website (UK)

The following was originally published on Martin Odoni’s personal website and has been reprinted here with permission

We’ve all been there. You hate your boss at work, you’ve got a crush on that girl in accounts who doesn’t even know you exist, your best friend’s little sister has a crush on you and just won’t leave you alone no matter how hard you try to pretend that SHE doesn’t exist, or perhaps your favourite TV programme hasn’t been on for years because way back in 1994 some idiot in a suit at CITV seemed to think that good shows are a bad idea. Sounds quite pertinent that one.

Whatever.

These forms of depression have one remedy and one alone. Insobriety. Unfortunately, while most of us could comfortably spend every night of our lives sloshing it up, and indeed do, there are those less sturdy folk who sometimes struggle. They find more than two pints not merely bad for the head, but bad for the tongue. They can’t even swallow it. So they tragically have to soldier on in a sad sober stupor.

Are you one of these people? Well chin up, you sad little weed, because this page is for you!

If you need to get drunk, but are finding it heavy-going applying yourself psychologically to meet your physiological bio-requirements – which is to say, you’re feeling a bit mushed as the bevvy goes down – what you need is a rigid schedule to follow to motivate and pace yourself, and this is best done by getting an extra outside stimulus to focus on and provide you with a drinking rhythm.

Well look no further, folks, ‘cos here it is, a scientifically-researched and expertly-developed schedule that is guaranteed to inebriate you for hours in the comfort of your own living room. All you need do to prepare is the following…

  1. Buy a TV if you don’t already possess one, plug it in and switch it on.
  2. Buy a video recorder if you don’t already possess one, plug it in and switch it on.
  3. Buy a TV licence, if you don’t already possess one (and you live in the UK). This one is optional, but strongly recommended.
  4. Collect vast quantities of your favourite alcoholic beverage, preferably paying for it before you take it.
  5. Gather, from that hidden compartment in the cupboard under the stairs, your illegal pirate copies of all eight seasons of Knightmare, which someone on the Trading Post made for you. (You know who you are, you shameless criminals!)
  6. Put one of the tapes in the VCR.
  7. Press PLAY.
  8. Get a good sturdy chair.
  9. Sit on it.
  10. Open the first can/bottle/sample (whatever’s your poison).
  11. Watch.

Now for the schedule itself for you to follow. This strict drill will get you drunk, guaranteed, as long as you follow it religiously. Here goes.  

 

Take a swig…

– whenever Treguard says “Ooooooo nasty!”

– whenever Treguard says “Oh dear, what a pity”
– twice if he says it WITHOUT a huge grin on his face

– whenever anyone says “Warning, team” or “Caution, team” or any variation
– twice if it’s not Treguard who says it

– anytime a bell chimes
– twice if it’s not for Temporal Disruption

– whenever Hordriss refers to himself as “One”
– twice if this accidentally deteriorates his grammar

– every time Treguard suddenly widens his eyes and sounds breathless, giving the impression that he did his flies up too quickly

– if Treguard says “Hurry team, you’re wasting life force…”

– whenever Mogdred booms with diabolical laughter
– twice if he hasn’t actually done anything to justify it

– when any character aggressively rolls his/her R‘s

– any time a character meets the dungeoneer for the second time and seems to have no memory of meeting them the first time

– any time any character says or does exactly the same things that they did in a previous quest, right down to sentence structure and punctuation

– any time a character SHOULD say or do the same thing that they did in a previous quest, but doesn’t e.g. the Boatman inexplicably changing the fare for crossing the Dunswater

– any time a character appears overwhelmingly surprised by something that they saw happen at exactly the same time and in exactly the same place on a previous quest

– every time a dungeoneer performs that forced, unconvincing buckling of the knees after travelling down a wellway

– every time an advisor calls out “Spellcasting” much too loudly

– any time a caster needlessly calls out the name of the spell between calling “Spellcasting” and the letters of the spell’s name

– when a dungeoneer is carrying the wrong clue object and gets away with it

– every time someone refers to Merlin as “dozy” or an “old fool”

– whenever Merlin takes a painfully long time to cast a spell only a handful of letters in length

– every time someone talks in rhymes
– twice if it isn’t Treguard, Folly or Motley

– any time Motley actually succeeds in saying something funny
– twice if the joke was intentional (as far as I can remember, this one is in permanent disuse…)

– any time Motley makes a corny pun out of the dungeoneer’s name (“Make sure you don’t step off a cliff, Cliff!” or “My mate Dicken, he ain’t no chicken!” etc.)

– any time Motley performs a pirouette

– when Motley asks a dungeoneer to teach him some new jokes

– any time an advisor gives the instruction to side-step in one direction and the dungeoneer steps in the other
– twice if this results in the dungeoneer falling to their death

– any time an advisor gives the instruction to side-step in one direction, when he/she meant to say the other
– twice if this results in the dungeoneer falling to their death

– when the dungeoneer is asked for his/her name, and asks the advisors, “What shall I say?”

– any time a character cries out, “Dragon’s breath!”, or “Great Goblins!”

– when anyone makes disparaging remarks about how daft the dungeoneer looks in that helmet

– when Olaf threatens to “Tump” the dungeoneer on the head
– twice if he attempts to justify it by saying that orders are orders

– whenever Olaf sings out, “Loo-tings and pill-a-gings!”

– every time a bad guy gets shot up by a warrior-maid carrying a weapon that appears to fire unconvincing cartoon effects

– when Pickle starts moaning about dungeoneers giving out their names to strangers

– when Pickle makes nervous/rude remarks about the watchers

– any time Pickle is silenced by the sound of Treguard irritably clearing his throat

– any time Velda or Brother Strange show signs of possessing more personality than a wet dishcloth

– whenever Brother Mace pointlessly adds “-biscum” to the ends of words

– whenever Pickle, Majida, Snapper Jack, Julius Scaramonger, Honesty Bartram, Motley or Casper the Key are in a scene for more than twenty seconds without being so irritating that you want to put your foot through the screen.  

Finish your drink and start your next one…

– whenever Pickle, Majida, Snapper Jack, Julius Scaramonger, Honesty Bartram, Motley or Casper the Key are so irritating that they DO make you want to put your foot through the screen

– whenever magic fails because the team can’t spell

– whenever a dungeoneer appears to fail a floor puzzle and should be dead but mysteriously gets away with it (not just for Dunstan, that one)

– whenever the life force clock runs out without the dungeoneer being locked in a room (only one occasion I can think of where that applies)

– when a dungeoneer gets cut to pieces on the Corridor of Blades

– when a dungeoneer actually wins.  

If you’re watching by individual seasons, and you’re in a big hurry to get drunk, you can add in any of the following, depending on which season you’re watching…  

SEASONS 1 & 2

Take a swig…

– anytime Treguard sounds surprised that approaching Temporal Disruption has caused the episode to come to an end, even though that’s precisely what it did in the previous nine hundred and ninety five million episodes

– whenever Treguard’s hairstyle appears to change during a scene without there being any clear cause for it

– every time Treguard warns the team about the dangers of the Corridor of The Catacombs
– twice if the danger appears in the form of a small monster that remains rooted at the far end of the corridor and which, apart from moving from side to side and making the occasional nasty gurgling noise, does absolutely nothing whatsoever

– whenever Treguard confuses one of the wall monsters with another

– whenever Treguard insults a wall monster

– whenever a wall monster insults one of the other wall monsters

– whenever a wall monster insults the dungeoneer

– whenever Granitas sulks about his name

– any time Igneous violently overpronounces his consonants

– any time Mugg the Gargoyle speaks without moving his lips

– whenever Folly talks to inanimate objects
– twice if it’s not his laughter doll

– every time Folly laughs like Timothy Claypole from Rentaghost

– every time Folly asks a dungeoneer, “What’s your name then?”

– any time Treguard growls at Folly to stop wasting time

– every time Gretal acts like she’s at kindergarten

– every time Gretal gets all vain

– every time Gretal starts squabbling with Mildread

– whenever Mildread disguises herself as someone else

– whenever Mildread makes a nasty slurping noise

– every time Mildread or Lillith try to trick a dungeoneer into going through a wrong exit

– whenever Lillith demands a bribe to let a dungeoneer pass
– twice if she rewards the dungeoneer with magic
– three times if she manages to do the entire scene without uttering an outrageous double-entendre

– every time Bumptious begins legal proceedings against a dungeoneer
– twice if he finds the dungeoneer guilty

– every time Bumptious calls out “By the booo-oook!”

– any time Casper the Key shouts “Oi! Put me down!” (I wish someone would!)

– any time Casper addresses a dungeoneer as “fumble fingers”

– any time Mogdred tries to turn a dungeoneer to the ways of evil
– twice if the dungeoneer’s stupid enough to accept – any time Merlin forgets someone’s name
– twice if its his own – any time Merlin remembers one of his other names
– twice if it’s Bert

– every time Gumboil gets beaten up or taken out of a fight in a humiliating manner

– every time Gumboil gives his own name a profound sub-title preceded by the definite article e.g. “Gumboil the Incorruptible/Gumboil the ‘Orrid”

– any time Gumboil is so drunk that his slurred language borders on post-watershed material (e.g. “The psh-… the pish-… the… pi-… the push off or you perish!!!!”)

– whenever Cedric calls a dungeoneer a dogsbottom – whenever Cedric smiles while shouting something bad-tempered

– whenever Cedric threatens to clobber someone
– twice if he then goes and does so –

whenever any character cries out “Intruder Alert” followed by the level number

– any time someone complains about having a headache

– if the fuse on a bomb suspiciously appears to grow back slightly while it’s burning down – whenever the life force clock is mysteriously put back a few seconds between rooms

– whenever the “Jericho 6” wall appears
– twice if it gets knocked down.  

Finish your drink and start your next one…

– whenever a wall monster appears, says its piece, then disappears, all without once using the words “ignorant” or “ignorance”

– when one of the characters can be heard roaring with laughter over the closing credits

– every time Treguard finishes an episode with the “Just keep telling yourself ‘It’s only a game. Isn’t it?'” routine. Believe me, after having to listen to it for more than five episodes, you’ll need every drop.  

SEASON 3

Take a swig…

– whenever the dungeoneer has to perform an embarrassing task to complete a step-puzzle in Merlin’s throne room

– every time Merlin is busy and gets cheesed off that he’s been summoned to the throne room to test a dungeoneer

– every time Mellisandre falls through a trapdoor that only a short-sighted idiot would spend time standing around on

– any time Mrs Grimwold yells “SHUT UP, FESTUS!”

– any time Mrs Grimwold makes flippant remarks about some of Festus’ more blood-curdling features

– any time Mrs Grimwold addresses someone as “dearie”

– whenever the raven starts plagiarising material that is supposed to be the exclusive preserve of parrots (“Who’s a clever boy then?” etc.)

– any time Velda adopts a peculiar defensive crouch

– any time Velda makes over-expressive hand movements

– any time terror causes McGrew’s voice to rise several octaves in pitch.  

Finish your drink and start your next one…

– every time the video tape is sped up to portray the dungeoneer “running” along a dwarf tunnel

– every time a dungeoneer goes plummeting from a cliff edge to their death.  

SEASON 4

Take a swig…

– whenever Fatilla threatens to “blip” and “blop” the dungeoneer

– whenever Fatilla refers to a dungeoneer, somewhat deviantly, as a “horny dunga-thingie”

– whenever Fatilla angles for a bribe by adopting a back-hander pose and wiggling his fingers

– whenever Oakley scares an intruder out of his glen

– whenever Oakley addresses a dungeoneer as “Thief!”

– any time Treguard implores the dungeoneer to hold up the Eye-Shield

– every time the dungeoneer finds someone in the stocks

– any time someone comments on Gundrada’s large (?) muscles- twice if it’s Gundrada herself who’s commenting on them

– any time Gundrada comments on how small or slow the dungeoneer is

– any time Gundrada comments on how much bigger than the dungeoneer she was when she was their age

– any time Gundrada gets into trouble with Hordriss

– whenever a weeping door whines, “Truth will out”

– every time someone mentions the name of a spell that makes the dungeoneer run faster

– whenever Pickle tries to help the dungeoneer in clear violation of the rules
– twice if Treguard shouts at him for it.  

Finish your drink and start your next one…

– every time Hordriss or Malice gives the dungeoneer a sub-quest to fulfill

– every time a brand new quest is interrupted only moments in by the onset of Temporal Disruption.  

Finally some techniques specific to the Lord Fear years…

Take a swig…

– whenever Lord Fear uses pond-life references to insult Lissard
– twice if Lissard seems to take it as a compliment

– whenever Lord Fear wastes a long time gloating unnecessarily (conveniently presenting the dungeoneer with just enough of a window to prepare a counterattack) when he should really just get on with swatting the brats

– whenever Lord Fear grossly flatters himself – whenever Lord Fear expresses fondness and pride for the unpleasant qualities of himself or his henchmen

– whenever Lord Fear calls a dungeoneer, “Goblin fodder!”

– whenever a dungeoneer falls to their death on the Play Your Cards Right puzzle

– any time a dungeoneer just happens to look through a spyglass at exactly the right moment to hear Lord Fear discussing all the important plot details with his followers
– twice if the sequence doesn’t actually reveal any useful information

– any time Hordriss gets captured rather easily by the Opposition
– twice if Sidriss is not involved

– whenever Sly Hands helpfully explains that hands are like feet only at the other end of the body

– any time Sly Hands forgets his boss’s name

– any time Sly Hands refers to a dungeoneer’s “moo-cow ‘elmet”

– any time Skarkill refers to Lord Fear as “Yer Fearship”

– any time Skarkill says, “lovely,” or “unlovely”. – whenever Lissard refers to the dungeoneers as “Kidsies”

– every time the quest object appears to have been just a short walk away from the Dungeon Antechamber all along

– if Majida starts moaning, quite wrongly, that a puzzle’s too difficult because the dungeoneer can’t see

– everytime Majida gets her words muddled up
– twice if, as a result, she utters a rude remark
– three times if, as a result, she FAILS to make the rude remark she was intending

– any time Treguard flashes an embarrassed grin to the camera because his assistant is making a complete balls-up of helping him present the programme

– every time the dungeoneer successfully retrieves a quest object and is immediately informed, no matter how recently he/she had some food, that energy levels are critical and that they must hurry – any time Martha inflects her words incorrectly

– whenever you can understand a word Ridolfo is saying

– when the Brollachan asks to be fed

– whenever the dungeoneer gets away with getting the answer to a riddle wrong because the Brollachan doesn’t know the answer either

– whenever Rothberry offers to sell something absurd to the dungeoneer

– whenevel Ah Wok tlansritelates the rettel L with the rettel R

– any time the Norman knucklehead de Witless describes something as “dashed”

– when a member of the team refer to the spyglass as a mirror or magnifying glass
– twice if it’s after they’ve already been informed of the correct term

– every time Julius Scaramonger or Honesty Bartram offers a dungeoneer the deal of a lifetime
– twice if they accept.  

Finish your drink and start the next one…

– whenever Lord Fear’s dastardly end-of-season plan to destroy Knightmare Castle backfires completely and he suffers the ill-effects himself

– after Lord Fear has ended a season with a defiant rant about how he’ll never surrender and/or how next year he’s going to splat every dungeoneer who heads his way

And if that lot doesn’t make you drunk, I suggest you check the label on what you’re drinking to make sure it’s alcoholic. Any additions you’d like to see included on this list are welcome.

Thanks also to Joe Grocott-James for the ideas he’s sent in.

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